Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
