And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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