bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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