My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
