brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
