Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
