I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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