did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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