My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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