So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
