My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
