Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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