he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
