there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
