So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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