I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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