Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
