You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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