I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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