I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
