my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
