3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
