The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
