i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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