I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
