i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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