I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
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