So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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