Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
how does that bad decision feel?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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