Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
