I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
