I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
