I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
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We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
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if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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