You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
