Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
