I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
a search helicopter?!
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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