We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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