shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
