The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
