i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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