i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
