You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize
