Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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