I'm pants shitting drunk right now
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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