I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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