I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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