If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize