There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
