took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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