Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
