my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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