Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
