I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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