I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
