Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
