After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
