i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
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I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
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Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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