i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
