Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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