There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
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The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
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So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
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