if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
