found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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