Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
