If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
